I’ve been traveling for the past two weeks pretty much non-stop (SAN=>SEA=>SAN=>MEM=>TUP=>MEM=>SAN), which I will happily use as an excuse for my inability to finish the four posts I have partially written. That being said, this one just cannot wait. I have found the most mind-boggling, anger-inducing product in the world. Let me set the scene.
I get back from the airport around 11:30PM last night. Today, I have a ton of work, 8 miles to run, a seminar to go to, a telecon, and finally an introductory meeting for my team at 7PM. Oh and the Bears are playing MNF. I figure I’d go to the gym after work at 5:30 so I could watch the game while running on far-and-away the best treadmill ever made. I do love having Jon Gruden yell non-sensical statements at me while I run after all.
Work lasts a bit longer than expected. I finally pull into my gym’s parking lot at 5:55, which would be fine since it’s close to the Tri-team meeting, but the parking lot has a grand total of zero cars in it. Gym is closed for Sukkot. Bah. Quickly realize that my 7PM meeting is next to the UCSD gym. They don’t have personal TVs, but surely the game will be on one of the TVs.
Drive over. Park. Run in the door with 53 minutes to squeeze in 8 miles. Treadmills are full. Crap.
Woodway EcoMill is empty.
Never run on one before, but what the hell. I can hop on until a Precor opens up (ugh I hate Precors). I end up completing (I refuse to say running) the single hardest 7:40 mile of my life. Literally gasping for air and wanting to die. Now, you, my dear readers (AKA hi mom!), must be asking, “What is this devil machine you used?” Well here are some highlights from the website linked above, with some short thoughts:
- “The EcoMill is a totally self-powered treadmill” Wait, what?! I provided all the propulsion for that mile?? This POS needs to come with a sign attached that says, “WE HAVE PROVIDED YOU WITH A HAMSTER WHEEL AT THIS GYM.” Which I would read, then promptly cancel my membership at the gym.
- “this all manual treadmill has been proven to burn up to 30% more calories than motorized treadmills” Why the F*#@ would I want to burn more calories?! I’m literally hungry all day minus the 30 minutes after a meal. I will now eat ice cream to recover those 30% extra calories. And why do you keep hammering this manual point? I am not a hamster.
- “The best part is the onboard generator system…can even be used to charge a phone** or mp3 player with the USB charging station!” Why would I have my USB cable with me at the gym? Is that like a normal thing for people to do? “Crap my phone is dying. Guess I gotta go to the gym!” And no, Woodway. This isn’t the best part. The best part is that you thought a self-powered treadmill was a good business idea.
- “a user working out at 5 mph would produce 80 watt hours!” 1000 watt hours in San Diego costs…. $0.11. Yes, 11 cents. So 80 watt hours is worth a whopping $0.0088. I guess we can round that to a penny. How has no one come up with this powerhouse of an economic idea before?! Wait, they kinda did somewhere else: at a jail in Brazil. Using a far more efficient exercise for power generation.
This machine is terrible. Do not use this machine. Do not even use a treadmill next to an EcoMill because it’s probably sad after spending so much time with the dickhead next door. I can’t really comprehend that the same company that makes the best treadmill on the market also makes the worst. If I race terribly on Sunday, you better believe that the EcoMill is getting 100% of the blame.
There is one redeeming quality of this machine though: if you are the type of person that says “If I had a penny for every time I worked out…” by all means, test the theory with an EcoMill. I probably hate you already and you deserve to have an EcoMill in your life.
Oh and the game wasn’t even on. I watched Piers Morgan interview Marie Osmond or an episode of NCIS I’d already seen. Today was a great day.
**I was just traveling Wed-Sun for a wedding in Mississippi and managed to forget my phone charger. Not a big deal, except for the fact that I have an iPhone 5, for which you cannot buy a new cable or an adapter to use an old cable (thanks Apple!). So my options were either no phone and more importantly no camera or spend 1 hour per day sitting at Best Buy using the power cable for their display iPhone 5. Reading that I could could just bring my cable to charge on the treadmill was like Woodway kicking me directly in the balls.